One of the challenges of these last days has been to "feel useful". I am so used to working and doing "the thing I did", that that question rarely came to be. I was useful. I was productive. I was DOING. But now in a new environment, where I am not the boss (but still the boss of me ;) ), I strive to help out and do things to reach those same goals...of course on a much different scale. I noticed that I was subconsciously looking for some validation; Am I doing ok? Is this what I am supposed to be doing? How can I be of help?
Ben has so graciously reminded me that perspective and life is different here. It's not about go, go go, gogogogogogogogogogogoggooooooo. It is more about go a little, a little more, take a breath, go a little, look around, go some more, talk to people around, go a little more, do some yoga stretches, read a chapter, go a little more... well, you get my drift.
"Slowing down to the speed of Life", as Carlson & Bailey wrote in '98 (and I read 11 years ago and need to re-read now... and this IS my life. Yes, of course, there will be hard working days and stressful days, but not like a city rat race again.
Ben told me that me just BEING here all that was needed and I deserved all the wonderful things I have and will get <3
BEING: something I have done in spurts and now need to do more of; consistently.
Something we all need to do more of; slow down, enjoy each other, and BE- this is why we are here~ marinate in that love!
I think the time of day will matter less and less and I will get used to Ben erasing the clocks in the kitchen and be okay with it...and we will just BE in the day. and BE with each other. and BE on this earth.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
oh, my stars!
I was so graciously reminded of the beauty of the night here in Abaco. I had forgotten, due to living in the city for so many years, the depth, brilliance, and complexity of the starry sky. In the city, all the business and condo building lights and heights take the illumination away from the night sky, so we only get to see a few of them (if we are lucky).
Last night after running a late errand (5:45pm to get a bottle of wine at Tupp's, the neighborhood wine boutique) <insert: Brenda (owner, friend, sweetheart, wine connoisseur) was in her car about to drive away and opened the store back for us to get a bottle after a sweet hug greeting!>...we were invited for a drink at the neighbors house to tell stories and chat. Their back patio over looks the canal leading to the Sea of Abaco and when you look up...WOW. Amazing. I had just noticed this sight, when the neighbor turned off the house lights for gazing...and we all went silent with much appreciation for the beauty. It definitely is a sight you have to see. I have always loved star gazing, even if I don't know much about constellations, planets, etc., but I know when I am in awe. I could sit for hours watching the stars sparkle, just as I can watching the ocean ripple and wave. And thank Goodness, I can do a little of that now...
Last night after running a late errand (5:45pm to get a bottle of wine at Tupp's, the neighborhood wine boutique) <insert: Brenda (owner, friend, sweetheart, wine connoisseur) was in her car about to drive away and opened the store back for us to get a bottle after a sweet hug greeting!>...we were invited for a drink at the neighbors house to tell stories and chat. Their back patio over looks the canal leading to the Sea of Abaco and when you look up...WOW. Amazing. I had just noticed this sight, when the neighbor turned off the house lights for gazing...and we all went silent with much appreciation for the beauty. It definitely is a sight you have to see. I have always loved star gazing, even if I don't know much about constellations, planets, etc., but I know when I am in awe. I could sit for hours watching the stars sparkle, just as I can watching the ocean ripple and wave. And thank Goodness, I can do a little of that now...
Monday, January 23, 2012
first few days~
Friday: Flying with a wedding dress and groom suit is not fun. Especially when you have an unhelpful (or perhaps newly divorced?) Delta gate agent... *smile
So we arrive to the Atlanta airport by city cab (dirty, hot, and very "public") with a very delicate and heavy garment bag, one "personal item" each (a large, overweight purse for me and an overstuffed Camelbak bag pack for Ben), one large carry-on duffel bag, and 3 pieces of checked luggage. What a site we must have been! Thank goodness for the sweet baggage check agents who warmed us with wedding wishes and 2 free drink tickets...off to a great start! Bags checked (minus carry-ons and personal items) and off to Starbucks for one last gourmet latte and some breakfast before the flight.
Luckily the flight was uneventful, despite my separation anxiety from my dress and his suit.
We arrive to Nassau, get our bags again (very unique site I'm sure for that airport), and park our butts and bags at the local domestic "wing" lounge appropriately titled "Da Hang Over".
We rest, read, imbibe on the local beer, Kalik and grab some nibbles from Wendy's. Yes, Wendy's. The Bahamians love their American fast food. But their chicken nuggets are sea-salted and quite tasty in a pinch.
Finally after our 3 hour wait, we are ready to board our 30 passenger plane to Marsh Harbour. Of course, because you have to check even your carry-ons on this short flight, having the garment bag is like traveling with an infant (picture it lying on me like a sleeping baby during our 30 min flight). All's well on this flight and the views of the islands are comforting from above.
Ben and I's friend, Gustaf (from Sweden) picks us up in his SUV (much needed and appreciated) and back at Door Prize we go (name of the house). After sunset, conch blowing, and some refreshing later, we are dining with G (Gustaf) at Wally's. They have a new chef- French but had been living in NY. Of course G is friends with him and of course we see other people we know at the restaurant. Welcome to Small town Bahamas! Dinner was great, although I really need to get used to "island time" (a.k.a sssslllllloooooowwwwwwwwwww) We were there for a long while, but the fresh snapper, seafood pasta, salads, and G's Pasta Bolagnese were very tasty. Thank you to G for this delicious evening! Alas, we are exhausted from our travels and retire back to Door Prize to ready for our getting ready.
2:30 am and awake with anxiety, both of us. Are you ok? Am I ok? Are we ok? Is this ok? Very appropriate, yet still very emotional questions during this first night back in Abaco (for good, I remind you, not just vacation, but AWAY from the very-known to the some-what-known, for good). After some much needed emoting through tears and words, we are ready to rest peacefully; holding onto each other as we will for the rest of our lives *smile.
Saturday & Sunday: Ahh, the real settling in begins. Of course, Saturday mornings must begin with some Chicken Souse and Johnny Cake (very common local breakfast). No bloodies this am as we have things to do: we proceed with our errands of groceries, checking/cleaning the house & the boat, making our to-do lists, etc. Uneventful events...so moving on. Thank Goodness for Skype~ a lovely late night chat with my mom and Dan catching up on the events, talking about the wedding, and laughing with each other (all in good wine spirits!) Skyping will help keep me grounded, as it helped keep Ben and I sane during 2 years of long distance!
The next day the power is off & on (common) so some of our to-do items get shifted in priorities. When back on, I start catching up on emails, try to figure out this blog thing and then I hear "Baby, Baby..." from the back and Ben has arrived carrying 3 beautiful lobster that he speared nearby. Wow. Yes. That man is my soon-to-be-hubby who has promised to take care of me forever. 3 Spiny lobsters is a wonderful Abaconian start! *smiling
So we put the tails in the frig for later and I Google lobster stock recipes, since this is my first experience. And hours later the aroma has us melting... Dinner consists of grilled lobster tail and veggie pasta made with lobster stock. Ri-dic-u-lous. *super smile
Monday: Time to make the Doughnuts! Well, not so much but structuring yourself to "get up with the sun" as Ben puts it is very important. Since we don't necessarily have to "clock in" for our days, we must stay on task and keep each other in balance. Luckily we are a very good team :)
Breakfast: Yogurt, bran, fresh papaya, blueberries and bananas (a usual for us no matter where we are) and off to work we go...
While work has a lot of manual labor and like tasks, mind you that the view surrounding is amazing. Absolutely amazing...
So we arrive to the Atlanta airport by city cab (dirty, hot, and very "public") with a very delicate and heavy garment bag, one "personal item" each (a large, overweight purse for me and an overstuffed Camelbak bag pack for Ben), one large carry-on duffel bag, and 3 pieces of checked luggage. What a site we must have been! Thank goodness for the sweet baggage check agents who warmed us with wedding wishes and 2 free drink tickets...off to a great start! Bags checked (minus carry-ons and personal items) and off to Starbucks for one last gourmet latte and some breakfast before the flight.
Luckily the flight was uneventful, despite my separation anxiety from my dress and his suit.
We arrive to Nassau, get our bags again (very unique site I'm sure for that airport), and park our butts and bags at the local domestic "wing" lounge appropriately titled "Da Hang Over".
.JPG) |
| if you could only see all the luggage; plus wedding dress taking a break too. |
 |
| what a freakin' cutie. |
Finally after our 3 hour wait, we are ready to board our 30 passenger plane to Marsh Harbour. Of course, because you have to check even your carry-ons on this short flight, having the garment bag is like traveling with an infant (picture it lying on me like a sleeping baby during our 30 min flight). All's well on this flight and the views of the islands are comforting from above.
 | |
| Ben & G having fun '11 |
Ben and I's friend, Gustaf (from Sweden) picks us up in his SUV (much needed and appreciated) and back at Door Prize we go (name of the house). After sunset, conch blowing, and some refreshing later, we are dining with G (Gustaf) at Wally's. They have a new chef- French but had been living in NY. Of course G is friends with him and of course we see other people we know at the restaurant. Welcome to Small town Bahamas! Dinner was great, although I really need to get used to "island time" (a.k.a sssslllllloooooowwwwwwwwwww) We were there for a long while, but the fresh snapper, seafood pasta, salads, and G's Pasta Bolagnese were very tasty. Thank you to G for this delicious evening! Alas, we are exhausted from our travels and retire back to Door Prize to ready for our getting ready.
2:30 am and awake with anxiety, both of us. Are you ok? Am I ok? Are we ok? Is this ok? Very appropriate, yet still very emotional questions during this first night back in Abaco (for good, I remind you, not just vacation, but AWAY from the very-known to the some-what-known, for good). After some much needed emoting through tears and words, we are ready to rest peacefully; holding onto each other as we will for the rest of our lives *smile.
Saturday & Sunday: Ahh, the real settling in begins. Of course, Saturday mornings must begin with some Chicken Souse and Johnny Cake (very common local breakfast). No bloodies this am as we have things to do: we proceed with our errands of groceries, checking/cleaning the house & the boat, making our to-do lists, etc. Uneventful events...so moving on. Thank Goodness for Skype~ a lovely late night chat with my mom and Dan catching up on the events, talking about the wedding, and laughing with each other (all in good wine spirits!) Skyping will help keep me grounded, as it helped keep Ben and I sane during 2 years of long distance!
The next day the power is off & on (common) so some of our to-do items get shifted in priorities. When back on, I start catching up on emails, try to figure out this blog thing and then I hear "Baby, Baby..." from the back and Ben has arrived carrying 3 beautiful lobster that he speared nearby. Wow. Yes. That man is my soon-to-be-hubby who has promised to take care of me forever. 3 Spiny lobsters is a wonderful Abaconian start! *smiling
So we put the tails in the frig for later and I Google lobster stock recipes, since this is my first experience. And hours later the aroma has us melting... Dinner consists of grilled lobster tail and veggie pasta made with lobster stock. Ri-dic-u-lous. *super smile
Monday: Time to make the Doughnuts! Well, not so much but structuring yourself to "get up with the sun" as Ben puts it is very important. Since we don't necessarily have to "clock in" for our days, we must stay on task and keep each other in balance. Luckily we are a very good team :)
Breakfast: Yogurt, bran, fresh papaya, blueberries and bananas (a usual for us no matter where we are) and off to work we go...
While work has a lot of manual labor and like tasks, mind you that the view surrounding is amazing. Absolutely amazing...
logisticizing emotions and things
I realized quickly that you can only prepare so much for a move such as this. People have been asking me questions for MONTHS about the transition; how I would live, what I would do, etc. Each time I answered, I meant what I said, but there was also an echo in my head of their questions..."What WOULD I do...How much WOULD I miss modern conveniences...How will I keep my self busy after working so much before?" I really did try to process what the change would be like, but how can one predict how one would feel? So as each day progresses and new experiences are had, I learn. Some moments are more secure than others; some emotions are more calm than others...but as I look around and see the beauty of island life and see my fiancee (finally in the same country, town, community, and space!) I remember why. *smiling inside
Preparation required not just physical but also psychological energy. The physical came easy. And I had time: move things, pack things, separate/organize things. These things I don't need, these things will be saved for the boat, these things will be saved for winters, these things I am not sure of, these things I DEFINITELY won't need, and these things I can't ever get rid of. Those were my piles in the condo and slowly each pile found it's new home (some permanent and some temporary) in the trash, in my car, at my dad's, in the luggage, or in a box. And I didn't have to to do it all now. Just enough to get out of the way for the "condo sitter" to feel comfortable in my place for some months.
The psychological wasn't so easy as you will see further in words ahead. While I really wanted more simplicity in my life, it was hard to think about letting go of all the "things" in my life. "Things" I had earned, worked hard for, surrounded and comforted me, and at some level defined me. As we've heard before, our possessions often end up owning us, right? And, no, I really didn't want that. Things are just things and when you are away from them, you often forget what you even have and realize what you really don't need. *reminder* (will often need such reminders as the days pass)
So not only was I trying to prepare myself for "the move", I was also trying to close a private practice (client relationships, self-dependence, steady income) and my hospital work (that I started as an intern in an environment and with people I had known and worked with for 10 years), PLAN A DESTINATION WEDDING, and a reception party in Florida.
Preparation required not just physical but also psychological energy. The physical came easy. And I had time: move things, pack things, separate/organize things. These things I don't need, these things will be saved for the boat, these things will be saved for winters, these things I am not sure of, these things I DEFINITELY won't need, and these things I can't ever get rid of. Those were my piles in the condo and slowly each pile found it's new home (some permanent and some temporary) in the trash, in my car, at my dad's, in the luggage, or in a box. And I didn't have to to do it all now. Just enough to get out of the way for the "condo sitter" to feel comfortable in my place for some months.
The psychological wasn't so easy as you will see further in words ahead. While I really wanted more simplicity in my life, it was hard to think about letting go of all the "things" in my life. "Things" I had earned, worked hard for, surrounded and comforted me, and at some level defined me. As we've heard before, our possessions often end up owning us, right? And, no, I really didn't want that. Things are just things and when you are away from them, you often forget what you even have and realize what you really don't need. *reminder* (will often need such reminders as the days pass)
So not only was I trying to prepare myself for "the move", I was also trying to close a private practice (client relationships, self-dependence, steady income) and my hospital work (that I started as an intern in an environment and with people I had known and worked with for 10 years), PLAN A DESTINATION WEDDING, and a reception party in Florida.
EEEEEEkkkkkkkkkk, is right!#$*^!!*&$%^!!
As I went through the motions and talked, emailed, and dealt with what I needed to...I was coping, right? Well, most of the time...until something stressful happened that became the symbolic straw and I would be in a puddle of tears realizing what the hell was really going on- EVERYTHING WAS ALL HAPPENING. But after each cathartic emote, I was back on track again, doing what I needed, as my mom puts it *smile, to "keep plugging along".
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